I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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