made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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