Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i've created a new STD.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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