I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
