So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
