I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
