Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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