I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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