she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize