I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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