Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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