My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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