Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
