forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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