even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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