I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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