I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Randomize
