Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
