Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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