i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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