i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
