just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
