a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
