She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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