my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
