...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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