Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
