i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
