you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
