I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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