I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize