Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
