This is not my ceiling
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
