I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize