ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
what day is it and did you see me today?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
