We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
