Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
