apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
