whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
