She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
