if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize