He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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