Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
