I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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