Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
