i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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