watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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