My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
