I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
