i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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