Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
