Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
