my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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