yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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