Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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