I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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